You Have the Right to Enforce Your Boundaries with Toxic People
In the past, I’ve made excuses for others’ repeated bad behavior, to my own detriment. I’ve since reached a point in my life where I no longer feel obligated to maintain ties with toxic people.
These are generally people who repeatedly hurt me or those I care about, are not open to dialogue or education, and are unable or unwilling to reduce the harm they cause. By the time I decide to cut them off, they have a long track record of harmful behavior. My perspective is that there should be interpersonal consequences for harmful behavior at some point.
I understand that’s not everyone’s approach, and may seem too harsh to some. If you don’t cut people off for any reason, that’s your choice, and it’s a choice that I respect and understand. It’s the choice I used to make in my own sphere, until it was no longer tenable for me. I have found that pruning toxic people from my social sphere has dramatically improved my mental and social health. You may disagree with my perspective, and that’s fine.
Or, maybe you’ve been waiting for someone to give you permission, to validate the choices you’d like to make to enforce interpersonal boundaries. Maybe you cut someone toxic out of your life, and you’re feeling guilty about it. If either of those applies to you, keep reading.
It’s ok to apply standards in your relationships. You are not required to tolerate one-sided, toxic relationships. Your social relationships should enrich your life, not drain your emotional resources.
You have the right to limit your interactions with toxic people as you see fit.
You have this right no matter what your relationship to the toxic person is, and no matter how long you have tolerated — or may even have enabled — that person’s toxic behavior.
Toxic people will try to use your history with them to guilt you (“but we’ve been friends for so long!”). It’s a ruse. If they genuinely valued the relationship, they would have treated you better. Toxic people thrive when others feel obligated to put up with them. They are counting on you to compromise so that they can get their way.
Yes, you have the right to limit your interactions with toxic people even if it upsets them. You are not responsible for managing anyone’s emotions but your own.
Yes, you have the right to limit your interactions with toxic people who have apologized for their toxic behavior in the past, but continue the pattern of toxic behavior. Some people genuinely believe they can get off the hook for anything as long as they say “sorry” afterwards (I have actually heard one such person articulate this excuse). Apologies are only meaningful when they are contrite and followed by change to address the problematic behavior.
You don’t have to accept an apology that was made only to evade accountability, an apology in name only.
Many of our social relationships begin as accidents of circumstance. I had a long-standing toxic friendship that started when we met in preschool. I had no say in whether I went to preschool, or what preschool I attended. That I met this person at all had more to do with our parents’ wealth and life choices than it had to do with either of us as people. Going to the same preschool didn’t mean our personalities were compatible, or that we had common interests or values.
It took me a long time to understand that collocation alone is not a basis for friendship. A relationship built only on circumstance is a house of cards. While it is of course possible to meet great people and form healthy relationships through accidents of circumstance, circumstance should not be the only reason you maintain the relationship, nor should the relationship’s longevity.
I put up with years of abuse from the “friend” in question because I had known her for so long. I told myself that because she was my oldest friend, she must also be my best friend. In truth, she was my long-time abuser, and I was her favorite punching bag. Nothing more.
Even relationships that have healthy beginnings can become toxic over time. It’s ok to make peace with the idea that people who have known each other for a long time often grow apart. Maybe your relationship dynamic with a friend from high school was fine when you were kids, but your interests or values diverged, or perhaps one of you matured emotionally and the other didn’t. If you have a growth mindset, chances are that as you grow, you will grow apart from people you were once close with. You can’t force people to change with you, and you shouldn’t maintain relationships solely because you’re holding out hope that the other person will change — that’s both unrealistic and unfair.
Relationships aren’t always easy, but they shouldn’t always hurt either. If a relationship of any kind — be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a family relationship — becomes a consistent source of pain and anxiety, it’s ok to let it go.
Sometimes self-care can be a bubble bath, but there are times when it needs to be a moat. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. It will be hard at first, but don’t feel guilty about doing what’s right for you.
Note: This post was adapted from a Twitter thread and several other social media posts I wrote.
